It's God's way of testing their faith

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon



"Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called 'Nuns on the Bus' kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." –Jimmy Fallon 



War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas

"The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas." –Bill Maher

"British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote 'no' on leaving the U.K. He said, 'It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you're slow if you're being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough." –David Letterman



A tragic case of trash on trash violence

"Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence." –Bill Maher



"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher