speak Truthiness to Power

American Express is suing Charlie Sheen for an unpaid credit card balance of over $200,000. How did he blow that much money? Oh, right. Answered my own question. –Seth Meyers

A new poll has 87 percent of Republicans supporting Trump. The other 13 percent are currently standing on bridges looking vacantly into the distance. –Stephen Colbert

Trump is slowly unifying the Republican Party. All it took was no other options. –Stephen Colbert

It's God's way of testing their faith

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon



"Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called 'Nuns on the Bus' kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." –Jimmy Fallon 



War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas

"The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas." –Bill Maher

"British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote 'no' on leaving the U.K. He said, 'It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you're slow if you're being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough." –David Letterman



A tragic case of trash on trash violence

"Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence." –Bill Maher



"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher



That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate

"Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress." –Jay Leno



"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno



"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno 

I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart



"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson



"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman 

Or as Republicans call it, health care...

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon 



"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon



"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon